I Am Here But I Am Really Somewhere Else. I am here but wishing I was somewhere else. I am silent quiet in my own world. I take my mind to another place. My world is caving in, I am drowning in my own sorrow. Don’t say anything. I am pretending to be strong, I am pretending I am fine. I’m so confused, thoughts echo in my head.
One Magnolia Tree. My stability has been supported by my magnolia tree. Planting the tree as a small sapling, it has been a joy to watch it grow in silent devotion. Watching over me making its roots firm and honest. My tree has been my companionship in moments of upset and disruption. It has journeyed through my life, not interested in my torment or worry.
Private Thoughts. I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t understand what is happening. Why me? It doesn’t make sense. I am so confused. I have so much to do. So many decisions to make. You stir up my emotions. I need to stay focused. I am deeply unhappy, empty. I pretend everything is ok. I need to keep my emotions intimate. Is it all just in my head?
I am thinking the impossible, the unthinkable. I am tired of the neglect. I am tired. I am searching, waiting for a reason to stay. Am I a fool? A dreamer? The dialogue has ceased. What do I do? So many questions, no one can help me. Where is my love?
I have surrendered my feelings of possessiveness, I have relinquished control. When Elijah returns home from school I am astounded by how he has grown physically and emotionally. He is becoming a young man. He is independent. I am continually awestruck by his discipline, passion and motivation. He is prepared to make the necessary sacrifices to succeed. It can be unnerving. He is just a child.
CONVERSATIONS I keep having conversations in my head. I ask myself a question. I think I know the answer. I ask myself the same question. I have a different answer. I don’t know what to do. There is so much expectation. Emotional suffering.
